State of the Union Memo to Democrats: DO NOT PANIC!
DNC Confidential Memo
From: Chairman Tom Perez
Re: State of the Union 2019
‘Sup homies. It’s Chairman Tom Perez again.
Comrades: we might be in yet another pickle.
You see, I thought our strategy of total resistance to everything Trump was doing was what was getting us points with the media and the (mostly racist, evil) American people.
The media are easy. They run in lockstep with us, so I knew we had them in our pocket. But the American people? Now I’m not so sure.
It looks like our strategy of cheering for babies being ripped apart in the womb — starting in New York and Virginia — might have backfired.
Our strategy of erecting walls around our gated communities and mansions to protect ourselves and our families as we oppose a wall to protect the American people might have not worked out as we thought.
Now don’t get me wrong. All of our beautiful, bovine Democratic women wearing all white – just like during the good ole days when the patron saint of Democrats Margaret Sanger spoke to the women of the KKK – was truly a thing of beauty.
We Democrats are nothing if not superficial and banal, so a bunch of our harpies wearing all white and brandishing campaign buttons from 1976 that say said “ERA yes” was just terrific.
Such strong, independent women waiting on their feminist mothership commander on when to stand or sit. It was super cute watching grown women channeling Arsenio Hall with whoops and fist pumps when Trump congratulated them on getting into Congress. Yes. Strong women.
Points on style over substance, ladies!
But UGGGHHH. When the Orange Oaf started rambling off his long list of accomplishments, I know many of us wanted to primal scream like we’ve all been doing since election day 2016.
Lowest African-American employment. Lowest Hispanic unemployment. Lowest female unemployment. Lowest Asian unemployment. Blue-collar workers getting back to work, manufacturing jobs booming. Trump’s trade deals, deregulation, and tax cuts showing true dividends for Normal — excuse me – knuckle-dragging, racist America.
We know those stats hurt to hear.
We Democrats know that we need a constantly pissed off and dumb electorate. We also need a permanent underclass. How can we cheer people being OFF food stamps when we need those people ON food stamps to keep us in power?
We’ve got to do a better job of calling Trump a racist and his voters KKK members. That’s the only way to keep us on the gravy train!
But oh – I’m afraid the late-term abortion stuff is going to hurt us. And that Orange Ogre set us up! First he talks about a new government program for paid family leave so parents can have time to bond with their newborn baby – which, naturally, we applaud.
And then — wallop! He pivoted right into how we Democrats are celebrating the dismemberment abortion of babies right up until birth, and in the case of Virginia and New York — even post-birth abortion. I mean, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, even after that blob of cells has the audacity to be born.
OUCH. That one’s going to leave a mark. In the words of Bill Clinton – we better put some ice on that.
Getting out of pointless wars with no end game in sight? That used to be our calling card. That pu$$y-grabbing jerk just yanked that from us as well! Blue-collar workers? Also used to be ours. Building a wall? We used to believe in that, too! Now, because of the Orange Clown we have lost all these issues and have no choice but to resist every single thing he proposes.
It might be time for Democrats to double down even more in our hatred of President Trump, because at this point, t’s really all we’ve got. I know we can count on the media to continue our march against normalcy, common sense, and decency.
No #Resist and #Woke constituent of ours is ever going to know the truth – that this man has outplayed us and out-strategized us.
We can’t ever admit that the Mueller investigation is a complete fraud that should actually be looking at US, not Donald Trump.
We can’t ever admit that tax cuts, deregulation, standing with Israel, smart foreign-policy engagement, building a wall, NOT supporting dismemberment abortion up until and after birth, or anything else the Orange Menace talked about are actually policies that a majority of Americans believe.
Therefore, we must double down on euphemistic language about abortion and deny that illegal aliens are quickly helping to ruin and Balkanize America. We must fully embrace socialism (which only hasn’t worked ever because WE haven’t done it yet). We must champion Third World tactics and increase the income inequality gap between rich and poor. We must continue to lie about the hoax of manmade climate change. We must soak the rich with tax increases and regulation – even though Andrew Cuomo let the cat out of the bag that it’s not working! Nevertheless, we must insist on higher and confiscatory taxes to insure our elites stay in power and the rabble we call our constituents need us more than ever.
The last thing we want is an independent America – on any level!
I know you were nervous when you saw Nancy Pelosi struggling to maintain control of her dentures. I’m sure you were perplexed watching Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez looking thoroughly confused on when she was supposed to stand and sit. You may have wanted to cringe watching Chuck Schumer yanking on his hair plugs looking like Mephistopheles himself when President Trump talked about the abortions we Democrats like the best. But do not panic! Do not panic.
We’ve still got the media and the media is going to harp on the fact that President Trump called the Mueller investigation pointless and partisan – therefore he colluded with Russia.
That’s our story and we’re sticking to it. And we expect our idiot lemmings to follow along – or else.
If all else fails, anyone know Jussie Smollett’s number? I have an idea involving a noose, some bleach, and inventing another fake hate crime to blame on Trump’s voters.